Mom Guilt

Ahh, mom guilt.  Raise your hand if you have experienced it. Oh ya, you in the back, I see you, dad with your hand up, see you too.  In a season of trying to make self-care higher on our priority list, we end up putting mom guilt 1/10 of a point behind.  One of my very closest friends and I try to get together at least once a month for mommy coffee hour.  We let out all the mommy guilt.  You know what I am talking about.  “Why can’t they just put the laundry down the chute.  It is right behind where they put it on the floor, I just want to scream, but you can’t scream because you will damage your child psychologically and so I methodically have to smile while giving Mom eyes and saying please 3 times for them to finish it” I feel guilty because they are young and we haven’t always had a laundry chute so it’s a new habit, I feel guilty because what I want to say has a whole lot of cuss words in it and that would make them cry.  Who wants crying kids over laundry!  I started going back to the gym and I feel guilty that me doing that is taking away from my already precious time I have with them at night because sometimes, I just have to finish at work past my shift.  Being healthy is supposed to be healthier for them to see and it improves me but then I also have to have my husband take care of the kids more on his own so I can have that time.  But then I have to try and be sure to reciprocate that time to him so he doesn’t get overwhelmed too but there isn’t enough time in the day.  UGH!  Mom guilt.

One thing I love though about my husband and my relationship is that we make it work.  Sometimes, the mom guilt will win because they are only so little for so long.  It’s okay to love your kids and give up on some things to be with them.  It’s okay to be lazy once in a while and let them raid the fridge for dinner.  I know, I just saw all your eyes bug out of your head.  “Did she just say to give in to everything?”  No, but I am saying that one way to stay healthy and give up the mom’s guilt is to not feel guilty about things that are not actually going to change your life forever.  Ask any doctor, No, you can’t eat Cake and Ice Cream for every meal every day but it is okay to eat in moderation.  No, your child doesn’t need every toy they see every time they see it but sometimes, outside of their birthday, little tokens of love are not going to make them brats.  Make sure that they know that this is a present and that they are not going to get one every Tuesday, or every time you go to Aldi and walk down the Aisle of Shame 😉 (You know the aisle).  It’s like when your spouse brings home flowers.  You don’t expect it every payday,  I’m sure you are like, hmmm what do you want and how much will it cost, but it’s a nice surprise and you appreciate it.  It means a bit more.  Sometimes, releasing that mom guilt gives you that self love you need and that is a double win!

I would like to suggest though, having mom’s mornings.  Dad’s mornings too.  Check on your parent friends.  Babysitters are expensive, hair dye takes too long to do without a second adult present to watch the kids.  They aren’t sure what little johnny just stuffed up his nose but google said to suck it out with the vacuum.  We are tired, aren’t sure when we showered last and pretty sure we just dropped off the opposite child at the correct activity today.  If you honestly can’t get away, again, tablet time will not kill your child, it’s a treat and it should be used wisely and with care.  Go to their home, moms/dads give them their tablet for 1 hour (Make sure it is set up with all the parental guides you have spent researching on since the day you conceived them) and have coffee/wine/water/juice, etc, on the couch with your pal and talk to them about what the outside world has been like.  If you are both parents, bring over the kids and let them play while you cuss like a sailor and sip on joy.  It is honestly rejuvenating and we crave it.  We like to go to a local coffee house and just sit.  Sometimes we have mundane conversations but that’s okay.  Think back to how you used to communicate with your best friends.  Sometimes Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and SnapChat is just not enough.  Kick it old school ladies and gents.  Talk face to face, you will be surprised how good it will feel.

Are your children watching too much tablet time?  Probably, we live in a technology age that as adults we are still trying to figure out, but is it bad?  I don’t think as much as you would think it is.  In my opinion, tablets are no different than the changing ways of our time as kids.  We grew up in homes where we had 1 tv and a computer, our parents 1 tv and maybe, just maybe, Cable if their parents made a lot of money.  Every generation has a bit more technology than the last and I can assure you, TV, Nintendo, AOL Instant Messenger, DVR, all these things did not fry our brains.  Our parents didn’t know but they didn’t have Dr Google and Facebook Psychiatrist to warn them about the effects.  We grew up in a time wherein High School, I learned both how to type on a computer without a mouse and turning a nob to tell the printer which computer I was on and printing from to one with color screens and color printing by my senior year.  I’m no doctor but I can tell you that learning all of those things helped me later on in life and practice makes it easier to use.  Let them learn this technology.  There is a lot of great programs out there to help you keep safe.  Have an open dialogue with your kids to help them understand why things are blocked but also let them see it as a tool.  But also remember, you are the adult.

There are people in our lives from an older generation that will tell you that by doing this you are spoiling your child.  These are the same people who bought you Atari, Sega, Tamagotchi pets, Waiting in lines for hours for Cabbage patch kids, and every Jock Jam CD.  You are no more spoiling them than what you learned, remind them of that.  Finding that balance between spoiled and blessed can be hard.  I promise you, it can and I have been there myself but don’t feel guilty that you are able to offer you kids things.  Don’t feel guilty though if you cannot and if what you can offer is not the latest and greatest.  Your kids learn appreciation based on how you present it to them.  You model how they should respond.  Example: My daughter asked for a Barbie camper for Christmas.  wouldn’t you know that thing was almost $100?  No way. Not happening.  It’s fine if that is okay in your home but in ours, no 4-year-old needs 1 toy for $100 or close to that.  Even on sale, it was almost $70 at one point.  No way!  Instead, Barbies’ sister/cousin/mini twin?, had a camper for $30 and I was able to find it on sale for $25.  She got the same thing she asked for, it just wasn’t as large, it wasn’t as extravagant but it is still a camper.  She asked for barbie clothes, I got some from the Dollar Tree, some from Kmart closing clearance, same as for her baby dolls.  My point is, she doesn’t know where they came from, she still gets to play, and in 2 years, I will be donating it to Goodwill or a rummage sale.  Don’t invest in something that you can’t get an equal for a fair return on your investment, that’s my opinion but on my advice side, don’t go broke trying to give your child exactly what they ask for.  Release that mom guilt.  Give them what you can and within your means and within your morals and families agreed on way of raising your child and stop feeling bad that it is not missing the status quo.  There is no job in your town that someone is the employee of that says your child is not cool unless they have X, Y, Z.  If there was, I would apply, get it, and make everyone as lame as possible on purpose.  It would be awesome.

I hope that somewhere in this rambling, you feel better about the days that you just give in because you need 5 minutes alone and feel terrible for it.  I hope you keep reminding yourself that you are doing a good job, even when it doesn’t feel like it.  I hope you keep raising your kids based on what you believe and that will make your children into a kind and productive adult the world needs.  I hope that if you do have a “Cool Police” in your town, you go up against them in the next election and squash the job.

 

Peace, love, messy buns, and wine

Katie