Sorry for the Thunder, I’m all out of Rain….

I’m sitting here at my computer, 4:06 a.m. and I’ve been awake since 1:11 a.m. crying and meditating.  HI, if you are new to my blog, I’m Katie, I’m 36 years and 11 months old ;), I’m a wife, I’m a mom, I’m a special needs mom, I’m a dog mom (*insert eye roll*) I’m a sister, a daughter, a daughter in law, a granddaughter, a granddaughter in law, a niece, a niece in law.  I”m a cousin, to everyone it seems, and could put Kevin Bacon to shame with my 6 degrees.  I’m a friend, I’m a Christian, and I’m a survivor.  Tonight, this morning, I’m just surviving.  

This blog post will be very raw, and I apologize if it doesn’t make sense as this is how my brain functions when I am in my spiral.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014.  10:04 a.m.

Do you know many people with the ability to know the precise moment their entire world changed? That is my moment. I stared down the barrel of a gun, I prayed and instantly thought of my husband and son in their happiest moment, and I prepared for the worst. May 10, 2021, I was at the peak of my story. I was at the peak of my recovery. Thanks to Covid-19, I was afforded the opportunity to reconnect and slow down with my family and really build a bond that we didn’t realize was slowly detaching. We weren’t fighting or ready for divorce, but we were content with not spending every waking moment together. We started re-evaluating our family goals and what we were going to start prioritizing more. We were having deep and meaningful conversations with the children about history, their family, and what our values were. We had our share of struggles but we were in a great spot emotionally, physically, spiritually. May 10th I was coming home from a doctor’s appointment, rather frustrated but more of a “Karen” response to my experience. I have really taken this pandemic to concentrate and listen to my body. I have read 11 books since March of 2021 and can tell you that the only way that, not counting baby stories to the kids, my book count was that high was since 2001 was maybe 15. Anyways. I got a voicemail and e-mail that basically knocked me off the podium.

“Hi Katie, this is ***** from the **** County DA’s office with Victim Support, I’m reaching out today to notify you that Inmate ****** ****** for case ******* from 2015 will be appearing today for arraignment for the case. if you remember me, I was the victim support member that day and was asked to step in to help you through today if you need me.  My number is **********, Have a good day”  – That is the transcript to the voicemail that made me fall to the ground.  

The last time I received any communication from the DAs Department was after I called to inquire about the case because I was still struggling and had this terrible feeling that i just needed to hear them say it. This was roughly November 2015. I was a new mom again And was finally able to fully work on my trauma now that I wasn’t trying to grow a baby through it. The detective that day didn’t recognize my name or the case and asked if it was a Cold Case. I almost dropped MaKenzie. I remember thinking “A cold case, it’s barely been a year, it’s cold already!?” He finally found it and told me so much information that I remember having to have Nate come home from work. They told me that someone had been arrested in Illinois during a raid for a drive-by shooting. The total of stolen cell phones made it a Federal Armed Robbery with Federal Kidnapping charges due to my being tied up and held against my will. His fingerprints also popped for my robbery and another cell phone store robbery. I know what you are thinking, “gosh, I bet he Jaywalks too”; I use really corny jokes when I am uncomfortable, I am sorry in advance. After that day, I made a decision to not let it control me. Every single day was hard. If no one cared enough to find these men, then screw it, I’m not going to give them the power. 2 years later we were excited to buy a house, we were in a great place, and then I got a Facebook message that would shift my life again. “Hey Katie, sorry to bother you, but I wanted to check in and see how Nate is.” This is how I would find out that my husband had fallen offer the roof of his work and was taken by ambulance to the local hospital, 2 hours earlier. A close family friend was working with him that day and didn’t know that I hadn’t been contacted. Later it would be revealed that he asked that I not be contacted until after 8 when Kameron was in school because I had a lot on my plate that date. To this day I am still mad at that little heart attack as sweet as it was for him to do. He had fallen roughly 14’ and went through a picnic table landing on the concrete below. He would have a broken femur in 2 places and a fractured hip. By some grace of God, he is alive. Even the Trauma surgeon was shocked. But we Survived. We went through hell to still close on the house, and thank God for our amazing family who came over the course of several days to help us pack up the house and help me move and set up our entire house while my husband was still on crutches and I have an almost 2-year-old and a 6-year-old. But we survived.

So why was this so hard this time? I am at the top of my game, these men can’t control me. I know that, logically. But this time, it is worse. We had 2 strong lessons in appreciating every day. Finding the good in every situation, even if it was grasping at toothpicks. Every week we would have virtual court appearances and the first few times, I was so worried that his face would trigger me. I was absolutely not sure what to expect. There was the normal and expected back and forth between the DA and the Defense attorney. I was assured by the witness support that this was normal. Until the defense attorney won.

The charges were being dismissed with prejudice. He would never be charged in my case. Due to some missed deadlines by the DA’s office, I will never have justice. I can work on the closure but that feeling of justice will never go away. He can serve his time for his other cases, he is even eligible for parole in 15 years. He gets 3 meals a day, he can go on with his life but I am now at the bottom of my hill. I have tumbled all the way to the bottom and just trying to find the strength to stand. Please be patient with me. I’ve had to do this a few times, but this time I’m weaker than where I started the first time. I’m numb. All I want to do is cry and I have to fake being okay really hard. Its draining. Trauma is hard. I’m not telling my story for sympathy or attention. I really am okay, on the outside. I’m so God fearing blessed with the ability to talk about it and be okay, and family support that is ridiculously under available to most. I will be fine, but what about the person next to you. Dozens of people have seen and spent time with me in the last 4 weeks. They all thought I was fine. That I was just a frazzled mom. I’m not that good of an actress but if I can get to at least a believable frazzled, think about those people who can’t fake it, or are too good at faking it. Check on your friends, your neighbor, your cousins dog, Everyone. This pandemic in a lot of ways was traumatic for many and they are just learning how to be challenged by trauma not run by trauma. Give grace and patience just as you will now to me because you have heard my story. That person next to you could be me in quiet.