This is probably going to be my toughest post hopefully ever. Just barely a 1 1/2 years ago our world had been tossed upside down and shook for dear life. This may be separated into 2 maybe 3 posts. I will do my best to keep on topic and not ramble. Those that know me, know it’s tough to begin with. So let’s begin…..
This picture was taken on one of the happiest days of our lives. It was meant to capture the happy future we were about to endure. What is a happy future if there aren’t some bumps along the way right?
We decided after the wedding that we wanted to start trying for baby number 2. I had just taken over as store manager before the wedding and came back ready to attack my store with what it needed to be the best. After several months of trying and several months of disappointment of negative pregnancy tests, a little into April, it happened. We were pregnant. Hallelujah! We were so excited, we just couldn’t wait to tell everyone.
This is a picture that was taken the day we told Nates family. Everyone was so excited for us. I felt great, the Dr visits went well. I got the green light to travel to Colorado for a friend’s wedding. We hadn’t “publicly ” announced it yet so we were careful on what pictures we shared. I started to not feel the greatest but we assumed it was just the altitude. After a quick visit we were on our way home.
Here is us at the wedding.
2 weeks later, week 14 of my pregnancy, our world stopped. I started to bleed. We called the Dr as it was the middle of the night and she said people spot all the time. Monitor and call her if it got worse. Have you ever had that pit in your stomach where something isn’t right? Mine was screaming. I got to work the next morning and it was worse. Nate met me at the hospital for an ultrasound where the baby was only measuring 6 weeks and at that age wouldn’t find a heartbeat. They scheduled another ultrasound and put me on bed rest. The Dr gave me a shot of Rogam, which is necessary in negative blood types in different situations, 2 of which are birth and miscarriage. I wasn’t giving birth, I knew what it had to be. The Dr said to not think the worst yet. I knew what it was. I had to prepare myself. That weekend we were supposed to go to a family reunion. People were starting to find out about my pregnancy and now as quick as they knew, they would hear it was ending. I couldn’t do it. There were 2 cousins who were pregnant/just had a baby. I just couldn’t do it. To be around people who got to keep their babies while I was losing mine. F that! I ended up going later when there was a lot less people. The week was almost up and I was feeling better. Everything was slowing down and I was actually feeling optimistic.
We came home that Sunday night feeling good about our ultrasound Monday. We stopped at the neighbors house and our upside down world crashed. I started hemorrhaging and having the worst pain of my life. The blessing in disguise was our friend, who is a nurse practitioner, was at our friends house. She took me back to my house and helped me deliver my very tiny baby. I was still in quite a bit of pain and still having issues so she suggested we get to the hospital as soon as possible. After several hours in the ER, the doctor needed to do a D&C to help complete the situation. In my whole life, I never thought it would happen to me. Now here 8 months later, after months of painfully trying to make this beautiful baby, it was leaving us as quickly as it came. Because of the complications during the miscarriage, the surgery was required very quickly. As they are about to take me in, they start asking all these questions that we had never talked about. Burial and headstones or if we want cremation. Do we want to have a memorial at the hospital or where do we send the remains. I didn’t even know what I had a boy or a girl and from what I understood it was to early to know. We didn’t even pick out names. I still regret not doing anything for baby June. That is what we call him or her. I regret not doing something to make her feel real to everyone else because then maybe then they would understand the pain and guilt that I carry still to this day. The guilt of not giving the baby the proper burial, of not protecting the baby, for not talking about what we would do in that situation before hand. Why me!? I still feel like a failure as a mother for not being able to protect my child.
We went to the zoo and an amusement park not long after and what a mistake. Don’t you know, everyone is either pregnant or carrying a baby. A few weeks later we rushed Nate to the ER to have his appendix removed. During that time, we found out another close family member was very seriously sick and I was still trying to wrap my head around the loss of our baby. I threw myself into work. I was already busy at work but I figured if I was always at work I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone and explain to them the awful pain I was still in. The doctor had cleared us to start trying again. We kind of left it in God’s hands. We did a lot of talking on our 1st anniversary vacation and decided it was a good time. So we did. By this point though I’m pretty sure I lost every friend I had locally. I was to wrapped up in keeping busy and working that I stopped thinking about the baby and just kept trucking. It was easier to avoid talking to people who just wouldn’t understand. Why couldn’t I just get over it. It’s not like he or she was big enough to hear yet. I shouldn’t still be grieving, but I was. After all that. The year wasn’t even half over and it was about to get worse.
Till next time