4 years too long

The last time I posted,  Kameron was only a couple of months old.  He was learning new things, trying to be independent and most of all loving up on us every chance he got.  The first year is still kind of a blur for us.  We had just moved into a new home that we were renting (what an adventure that was) and just trying to make sure we were good parents.  I, like most parents, wanted him to have all the greatest joys in life.  I wanted him to learn everything, try everything and really be the best kid in my world because he deserved to know how great he was every day.  I still want all of those things for both him and MaKenzie  (don’t worry you will meet her later), but I realized too late looking back,that I went about it all wrong.  For starters,  kids get hurt.  The first time Kameron needed stitches, about 6 to 8  months old, I thought I was a terrible parent.  Remember ladies and gents, I don’t even remember when it was so don’t beat yourself up. He was crawling into the kitchen and fell.  He was in just the wrong place at just the wrong time.  He hit his chin on the metal guard thingy and cut his chin open.  I FREAKED out.  I think me crying made him cry.  My husband, thank God for him, calmed me down and helped me realize we just needed to get him to the hospital.  What kind of mother LET’S THEIR CHILD CRAWL INTO ANOTHER ROOM WITH THOSE WEAPONS ON THE FLOOR! I know it sounds ridiculous and looking back I know it is but we all do it.  Kids will get hurt, boys will be boys but man oh man it was the end of my world….for an hour or 2.  By Kamerons first birthday, I already felt like I was just the worst.  Making the decision to go back to work after a baby is not easy.  Because of our financial situation and issues with my last job, may that red company remain nameless, I went back at 4 weeks.  Yes you read that right, 4 weeks.  As a parent you do what you have to do.  It was not decided lightly and we were not in a position to go anymore time.  How do you choose staying home and bonding or paying rent and bills? You don’t, you do what you need for bills and spend as much time as you can when you are off bonding.  It’s a tough choice but as parents that’s what you do every day. 

It absolutely broke my heart knowing that when he got a little older her preferred grandma over me when he was scared.  Why wouldn’t he, she was his primary sitter when we were at work.  He would listen to her more, ask for her more and cry for her more.  Mommy fail number 2 right?  Not quite.  I have learned that it is truly a blessing.  How many days do we walk around thinking I have talked to my grandparents too much?  NEVER. We are so blessed that Nate and my grandparents are still alive.  Nate is even luckier that he has met his Great grandparents and his Great Grandfather is still alive.  Even if Great Grandpa, now Great Great Grandpa to our children, is a step grandparent,  our children get to learn about the past.  We get to see how they did things growing up, what they enjoyed and played with.   Who am I to be upset that he loves his grandma so much.   It makes me realize how for granted I make my time to not call my own grandparents who were my primary sitters growing up.  I look at Facebook and see us posting pictures and life updates, announcements and regrets but how do you tell your older generations these things if they don’t have Facebook?  When did going to grandma’s house to catch up become showing her, on a tiny phone, all the pictures you took in sequence of your child kicking the air or of everything that has changed since you last talked.   I find myself not remembering what I had already told her because I posted so much on Facebook I couldn’t remember who I told.  Then I realized that she wasn’t hearing it from me anymore, someone else would see it on Facebook and tell her before I did.  Who did I become?

That first year looking back has now made me realize that I am not going to have my grandparents forever.  I have only 2 of my 5 left and Nate 3 of his 5 and his Great Grandfather.  We need to disconnect from cyber space and reconnect with them.  This world is a new scary place for them and they are being left in the dark a lot because they are not online. 

We started printing out our picture on an regular basis.  I can tell you all the best places to get the best deals on prints, I try to call our grandparents and Aunts and Uncles first before we post online.  I try to call my grandma’s on an regular basis. We try to go and visit when time allows.  We try to ask about how things were when they were younger.   Ask your grandparents sometime what they had as a phone when they were your child’s age. Or what their first car was as a child. The first year of being a mother has made me realize how much more I have to learn as a parent.

Let me know what you think?


Kameron, our first born, maybe 6 months old?

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